battletagoneCof5#1879

13 August 2012

Shared Topic: How has WoW Changed Your Life?

This week’s Blog Azeroth shared topic post comes from Effy at Effraeti’s RP:
Very simply:
How has WoW changed your life?
It's a simple question.  My answer is far from simple, however.

Consider this your warning: I'm about to blur... No.  Actually I'm about to absolutely obliterate the line between a blogger's opinions about a game and his life experiences while playing that game.

What you're about to read will be personal. It will be raw. Sad. Not just <sniff> <sniff> sad, but for me a level of sadness that has taken me to some very dark, scary and lonely places where I wasn't sure how the hell I was ever going to get back from. This may just be as difficult to read as it has been to write.

Still with me? I'm happy you are, but consider yourself "Warned".

Why Do I Play?

In some context, I've been writing this post for many years in my own head. I've been asked by my wife, in particular, "Why in the hell do you continue to play that game?"

She's not a fan of Warcraft.

It's okay -- we enjoy separate pursuits as well as common ones. This is not a marriage issue post.

So why? The best answer is a lame one; It's just fun.

What I've realized, however, is the overall "Gaming Experience" is much more than the mechanics of the game itself or the pixels of the monsters in the game. There are so many fun things to do in WoW; I can form raids with other players for a PVP or a PVE goal, or I can quest... adventure in dungeons.... solve puzzles... fish... apprentice myself to a crafting profession and gain skill to then outfit alts or other players... Even in an end-of expansion lull, I'm still logging in to do something. My point is that there is a basic "playing the game" experience that is enjoyable.

The Out-of-Game Experience

World of Warcraft has not altered my life in the fact that it's a really fun game. It has, however, been a major component of my social experience. The social aspect of the game -- whether that's tradechat or party chat or guild chat or non-verbal flexes and dances with the opposite faction, I'm interacting with people playing another character in this virtual world.

Ok, not so bad, right? I'm trying to say that there is a difference between the game play and the gaming experience. Last chance before this get's personal... I won't be offended if you bail.  I would if I was you.

Enough with it. Why?!


I desperately needed that socialization and interaction. When I first started playing WoW, it was 2007. I was an absolute wreck.  I would alternate between fits of impotent rage at the world and pits of despair on why I was even in the world. Not a pretty time.


In March 2005, my baby boy died from leukemia. He was diagnosed a year before that when we has only four months old.

From the point of the Diagnosis (which I learned over the telephone while my wife was vacationing in Florida with our boys), we spent the majority of our time between March 2004 and March 2005 living in the hospital. I have a scrapbook of things; it's a jumble really -- medical reports, things my older son crafted in the play room -- but three things are billing reports. One was the "air ambulance" to fly him from Florida to Michigan:  $10,000. The other two are invoices from the hospital after his two in-patient stays:  one for $290,000 and one for $220,000. Thank Christ for health insurance!

The nature of my business is that I usually worked away from home on a business trip.  After taking a few weeks personal time to get situated, I had to go back to work.  Did you notice the amounts of those bills above?
During this period, my wife lived in the hospital with our son. My older boy (4 years old at the time), would spend his days in the hospital and his nights with some very gracious (understatement of the century right there) neighbors, friends and family that would move in with us for weeks at a time so that my older son could have a semblance of a real life. I'm eternally grateful to those people. Words fail.

We were living through hell, and most of the time I had to be at some factory telling people how to work smarter while I checked in via telephone.  Skype wasn't around and the cool cell phones slid open like the ones in The Matrix.

My family was being subjected to devastating circumstances, and there wasn't a single fucking thing I could do about it. I couldn't protect my son from the cancer that was eating him alive from the inside. I couldn't spare my wife the pain of watching him get poisoned with medications designed to kill most of you so that it also takes out the cancerous part of you. A cure by culling.

I felt like a failure as a father, as a husband, and as a person.

It sucked. Really, really, really sucked.

In the autumn of 2004, my travel slowed down and I was able to be home more. I got to take my sons Trick or Treating that Halloween.

High!

Then, he got a fever and we spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.  I cooked a feast at home and lugged in a Thanksgiving Dinner to the Oncology ward in Rubbermaid containers.

Low!

We spent Christmas with family in 2004. My son started walking just after Christmas.

High!

Then, on the Martin Luther King holiday weekend, he caught a fever.  Back into the hospital.  He never left. Low!

My son died from the common cold because he had no means to fight it. Yep - the common cold. It destroyed his liver, and attacked his heart, lungs and even his brain and spinal column. He went into a coma in February and needed a ventilator. After weeks in the ICU, it became apparent we were out of options. We had a round table with his caregivers, and (I'll never forget this) each doctor spoke to us about what they tried, why it failed, and why there were no more options remaining. At the end, our nurse came in, removed the bed rails so that we could both lie down next to him, removed his IV's, and finally removed the ventilator. She closed the curtains and left us alone. Our son died in our arms.

I told you this sucked.

In the months that followed, I was on auto-pilot. I'm not really sure what happened in 2005 and 2006. I was there, but not all the way 'there'.  I stopped socializing with friends. I would work and I'd come home.  I checked out.

Try to understand this: I had a chip on my shoulder that all of my friends knew that my son had died. The last thing I wanted was to be reminded of my failure to protect him by someone offering me sympathy. That's crazy, I know, but it was the way I felt. I've lost touch with many friends as a result. Death has a long reach.

That pain of loss and grief just blinds you. It's a physical sensation at times, and it can be crippling. You go out of your way to avoid it. So, I avoided social contact because seeing my friends caused me pain. I simply retreated from the world and got progressively more and more depressed.

When I started playing WoW in 2007, I actually began interacting with people again. Real people -- albiet in a virtual world. I could talk to someone without any baggage or preconceptions or any kind of chip on my shoulder. I could relax. I didn't have to steel myself against the incoming "How may children do you have?" or the resulting "Oh.  My dog died, so I can understand how you feel" comments. Instead we commiserated on solving an instance boss or a quest line or just bullshitted. I could shrug off that sad man for a bit and just unwind -- totally anonymous and safe and chilled.

Fast forward 5 years. I'm improving. I'm finally now, after eight years, able to have an actual voice conversation with someone about my son's death without breaking down into tears. I'm still a bit anti-social in the world, but I feel like I've made friends online -- within the game itself but also in the social explosion of the out-of-game experience. Guild web-boards. Official forums -- well, ok not so much there.  Twitter.  Bloggers.

The "Community" of WoW players is amazing. As I've tried to find my voice on this site, I've received an amazing amount of feedback and encouragement and support from people half way around the world. That's not just a game. That's something else. That's a culture evolving out of the game. For the most part, that culture is an inclusive one: players want you to share their joy in a game. That's so special and rare. And, it's why I continue to play.

For me, I have to say "Hell yes, WoW changed my life". It may have even saved it, but that's pushing the boundaries of the dramatic. At the end of the day, I'm able to be social again. That's just plain awesome.

I'll leave you with a picture of my son taken just after his first birthday in 2004.  I miss you, buddy.

39 comments:

  1. Oh Chris :(
    I already knew part of this story because you shared a little for me. The real story is so much more. I admit, that I cried, while I read your story, and emphathised with your pain, yet I don't know if I could function as well as you do having had that emotional rollercoaster.
    Your words, as always, so eloquent and moving, and in this post even more so, have made me admire you even more than I already did, if that was not already possible.
    Thank you for sharing. That couldn't have been easy. But I'm glad you did, as I feel that little bit more connected to you now, in this vast world of anonymity and pixels.

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    1. I really appreciate the feedback. It's a bit like peeling a scab -- stings at first but then you feel better. I never realized how cathartic blogging could be!

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  2. This really touched me. To have you share something so personal with us is humbling. Thank you so much for sharing.

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    1. I'm a bit in awe that I'm actually being read. You post something and you know that someone may read it. But to see it actually being read and prompting a comment back? Wow. Thank you!

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  3. I have never read your blog or even heard of you (to my knowledge, anyway) until just now, because Navi linked you on twitter.

    This... well, I'm not going to try to say that I'm not an emotional guy, I used to tear up watching those soppy long-distance commercials on TV that don't exist anymore. BUT! I don't usually like... actually start crying.

    I was crying, as I read your post. This... is an immensely personal, moving post. I can't even comprehend living that.

    I wish I had something more eloquent or coherent to say, but I just wanted to let you know that your story moved me, and... I'm glad WoW was there for you, to get you interacting again.

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    1. yeah, I'm kind of a fly under the radar kind of guy. I'm like the perfect Vice President; I'm there and doing stuff but not actually out in front in the spotlight. Navi put me in the spotlight -- and in this case I have to thank her. It's comforting to share. But when a reader is touched, that makes me happy because I feel like my son's brief life was not in vain -- his existence continues to impact people even though he's not physically here to do it. Thank you!

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  4. Hi Chris.

    You write with great eloquence and this post was incredibly moving. As a father, I can not imagine a worse pain than losing a child.

    I am glad that WOW and this community were there for you. There are some wonderful people here and I feel honored to be connected with you and the rest of this community.

    Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I'm not so sure about the eloquent part, but I'll take it. You're hitting a central point which I feel I didn't stress enough; the community around this game is so special that I can't find the right words to express that. It simply rocks.
      Thanks!

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  5. I'm not particularly good at responding to personal posts but I felt in this case I had to.

    I can only echo what those above me have said, thank you for sharing this with us.

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    1. I'm with you there Erinys. I get tongue-tied when trying to respond to a personal statement; As a long time reader I'm thrilled you stopped by!

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  6. & a thank you from me too & {{{hugs}}} as well. I've only recently experienced the fantastic warmth & care given by this WoW community - no-one outside can really understand these online communities (I'm sure WoW isn't the only one) but I feel it was the social aspect that kept me going over the last few years. I cannot begin to comprehend what you & your family has been through & how it continues to affect you, just know that there are one heck of a lot of very good people out there. Gives me faith in the human race again :)

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    1. too right -- it indeed is an ideal online community (blogs, twitter, etc). and i'm repeating myself constantly here, but for a Blogger that i read to leave a comment is very exciting!

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  7. Just came across this in the shared topics at Blog Azeroth, and I must say reading this has moved me to make a comment .. which I rarely do. I'd like to thank you for sharing this, its deeply personal and I can only imagine how hard this would be to share with so many virtual strangers, a brave move I can't help but admire.

    Since I started playing WoW I am amazed at the positive effect it has had on people, and I myself can only be grateful that is so beneficial and not the monster most media makes it out to be, and I hope that it stays that way for some time to come

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    1. i really appreciate this comment. I can't quite sort out the 'why' it's impacting me, but know that it is. Thank you!

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  8. I honestly have no words after that, but I will say this. It's amazing how WoW has taken so many people who are in a dark place and lifted them out of it. I know it has for me, for you, and for many others. Your post is a shining example of everything that is right with this game.

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    1. Sometimes the best thing to say to someone who's grieving is "There are no words". As Nev pointed out, the interactions in / out of game give me faith in the human race (that we're not all a bunch of tradechat trolls). The game is a mechanism to bring folks together.

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  9. Chris,

    Thank you so much for opening up about something deeply personal. I hope you're granted catharsis in the knowledge that your words touched many, myself included, deeply.

    I'm a father of two boys. Reading your son's story immediately hit me in the way that only a parent can empathize with; what if it was my child? (note to self: don't read emotional blogposts at work...the tears were hard to hold back :))

    I'm also a Community Manager in the MMORPG industry. THIS is why we do what we do. Not because we love moderating forums, not because we love to go to shows, but because we love to build Communities, safe places for people to form lasting friendships and, sometimes, open up in ways they couldn't anywhere else.

    Again, thanks so much for taking the time to share

    - Andy Belford

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    1. Sorry for the emotional sneak attack at work. Been there, done that. It's somehow very gratifying to know that my son's story has touched - at least briefly - the lives of other people. It's comforting in the fact that he has a kind of legacy, even though he was only with me for a short while.
      Thank you for your words. I truly appreciate them.

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  10. I can't really say more than to echo what others have already said here - thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine how hard it was. *hug*

    I've experienced the very bad and good in the community, and the handful of friends is what keeps me going after almost six years.

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    1. I think that Blizzard gets that community aspect, too. They're online presence -- forums, shared media, naming in-game items after bloggers.... They get that the game is one factor, but that the player experience is the other factor.
      Thank you for taking the time to reply; I can't get over the feedback.

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  11. Going home tonight to hug my 3 year old son really, really tightly tonight and thank God for his health.

    I'm sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what that was like, but I am glad that in gaming, you were able to find a place to just be, and that it was a relief to you in troubled times.

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    1. I do the same thing, Mattie. My older son is turning 11. He's not so much into hugs anymore. But sometimes, you need to just be with 'em.
      That's another part of that "chip"; I'm a walking, breathing reminder to parents of really bad stuff that could happen. Nobody likes to be reminded of that b/c it's too scary. Not a bad thing, just a truth.
      I appreciate your feedback, because the fact that my life made you stop and be with your kids means my son didn't die for nothing. That's comforting to me that his life made some impact on another person, whether he's physically here or not.

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  12. 1. Doing something for the reason that it is fun is not lame. It's healthy.
    2. Not wanting to hear sympathy is not crazy. Who wants to have to keep reliving it when you are just trying to move forward and not think about it 100% of the time anymore?
    3. You are brave and wonderful for coming forward with this story. Yay you!
    4. I'm going to hug The Spawn extra hard when I pick her up from school today.

    /hug

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    1. Point 2 is just what I tried to express for years, but never quite got it out that way. I'm sounding like a broken record in my comments, but I am so pleased that folks have been touched by this. It somehow validates that the pain may somehow be worth having an impact. I'm struggling to put that into words, and I'm also getting emo which doesn't help thought clarity.
      Thank you for replying!

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  13. This is such a touching story - If you need a friend, I'm there :)

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  14. Thanks so much for sharing your roller-coaster of emotions and I agree that blogging can be very cathartic. Although the personal posts and game issues I've written in the past don't compare with what you've experienced.

    The blogging and gaming community can be awesome at it's best.

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    1. Cym - it totally was a roller coaster. And it was constant for an entire year - up and down and emergency and coast... I never knew how I would deal with it but somehow I kept going.
      Thank you for responding. Again, echoing other comments, I'm touched at the feedback.

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  15. I just cried. Buckets. There are no words really that anyone can say to make anything better, or different, but I wanted to know that there are people who can light a candle for you, your family and your son.

    Your post was so humbling. I have kids myself and every day I count my blessings that they are alive and well and love me like I love them.

    I want to echo something I said on my blog recently: "Just because today is a terrible day, doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life. You just gotta get there." I hope you and your family can have a 'best day of your life' soon. Hugs.

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    1. I like that. For a while I participated in an online yahoo group called "Day by Day". It is literally that - living your life one day at a time and trying to deal with everything. Those first few years, "everything" is overwhelming. With time, it gets easier.

      I truly appreciate your comment. Each person who has replied has really touched me.

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  16. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine how hard that was for you to write and I *really* can't imagine going through what you did. I'm a mom of two so I, like many other commenters here, found myself thinking "what if this had been my son". So I cried. At first I couldn't see the screen for the tears and then I couldn't speak when my husband asked me what was wrong. Your story touched my heart this morning and made me so thankful for not only my children, but also my WoW friends. The non-judging, friendly nature of my guild is a wonderful escape from the "real world" when I need it and I think that's something everyone needs.

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    1. That's just it -- non-judging, friendly support. In the game, you can usually find that. There are times where you meet the @sshats, but for the most part, i believe the people playing this game are kind, supportive and welcoming. That's who I want to hang out with.

      I know it's a hard thing to hear and process -- especially as a parent. Thank you for reading and responding. It means so much to me.

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  17. Thank you Chris. You helped me more than I am able to express.

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    1. That works both ways, Matty. I've been wrestling with that all week - the sheer act of putting this story into words and sharing it... followed by the disbelief that people are even reading it and further compounded that they're moved enough to comment is quite overwhelming to me. I'm simply astounded.

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    2. This is my first time reading your site, but I just wanted simply to thank you for sharing.

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    3. ...and I didn't mean for that to be a reply!

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  18. Thank you for this. I can't say why; just thank you.

    Z

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  19. Thank you for sharing!

    We all play for different reasons, and too often we forget that there are actual human beings behind the characters on screen, with real problems, real pain, real experiences, and real dreams.

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  20. First time I read this...thank you so much for sharing, it touched me deeply.

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